Bye Bye Pump, Hello Freedom!

I washed out my pump for the last time (well at least for a couple years) and put it in the hall closet. This pump has symbolized so many things over the past year. First, I despised the pump. It symbolized me having to go back to work, being away from my baby and being hooked up to a machine in order to feed my baby the way I wanted to feed him. I glared at the pump as I cleaned it each night and packed it up every morning. I shoved the plug into my surge protector at work and hunched over my desk with a frown as I listened to the pump chug along. Initially the noise from the pump irritated me and sounded so repetitively like “Come back soon, come back soon.” And I clenched my teeth with hate because I didn’t want to come back soon, I hated coming back. Every time I looked at the pump, I thought of my separation from my baby, my guilt that I was feeding him from the bottle instead of directly at the breast (which was really guilt that there was a nanny instead of me being with him), and the thought of the endless days ahead that this separation would continue, just as I would continue to see and use that damn pump every day.

Over the months I adjusted and I stopped hating the pump. I started looking forward to my two forced breaks a day. I never took breaks before I had to pump, at least not scheduled planned breaks where I just took 10 minutes to myself and just read for pleasure. Yes, I was still hooked up to the annoying machine, but I had some me-ish time. That was kind of nice. I am definitely a person of habit, so I pumped at specific times and as those times drew closer, I would look forward to tidying up my desk, getting out the pump supplies, setting everything up, and having that ten minute break. And I would return to work a little more refreshed afterward. So for expectant mothers out there, or mothers returning to work, this is the phase to look forward to. I had read about this phase in one of the many returning to work for mothers books I looked at, but I of course didn’t think of it during phase 1, the angry/hating/guilty phase. But as I entered this second phase I remembered the passages I had read that encouraged mothers to view the necessity of taking breaks to pump as blessed breaks from work. I also thought about the fact that I was dedicated to doing something really great for my baby—giving him breast milk even though I had to drag the pump with me to work, and sometimes find odd places to pump if I was at meetings or giving presentations offsite. I think another really cool thing is that I wasn’t shy about it. Everyone at work knew I was doing it. So in this way, I was exposing people to the idea of pumping and being a working mother would continued to feed her baby breastmilk. I had never been exposed to anyone pumping before I had Kalev and I honestly don’t know how many people do it, or if most people just give up when they return to work. But when my secretary told me one day that she thought it was so great that I do this and I kind of shrugged it off, I realized that yes, it is great and it is great that others are getting exposure to this way of parenting. It takes more work, a little bluntness or discomfort by letting others know that you are hooked up to a machine with your shirt up in an office right across from theirs, but the result is that amazing liquid gold that you are able to give your baby.

I must also say that my work environment made this possible for me. Yes, employers in California must allow workers to take pumping breaks and give them facilities to do so that are not bathrooms, but again, I’m not sure how much that actually happens, and I doubt that the environment is always a positive one. My co-workers were extremely supportive of me pumping, offering me their offices when I couldn’t pump in mine because my officemate had clients, moving meetings around my pumping schedule, and making sure there was room in the fridge for those happy little bottles afterwards. Thank you for this support and assistance. It really did mean a lot.

So as I pumped for the last time at work yesterday, I realized that it was indeed the last time I would be pumping at work. Wow! And it actually made me a little sad. Sorry Ms. Pump, I was not sad to be leaving you, but I was a little sad to be leaving what pumping had now come to symbolize for me: my office. I have wanted to leave so badly so I could be with my baby, and I still do and know it’s going to be great, but as I took diplomas and photos off my walls, went through my binders and passed out applicable materials to the other attorneys, and yes, pumped that last time, which gave me plenty of time to look around my now-naked office, seeing the blank walls and sad face of my office mate, I realized I was sad to leave these people and this place who has made me the person I am today. I’ve been at that office for 3.5 years as an attorney, 6 months as an intern while in law school, and for a year or more as a volunteer in another office for the same organization. That’s a lot of time, memories, and people I have become close with. I sent out a thank you to all the staff in the organization, and I got some very sweet and special replies that warmed my heart. And when my secretary almost started crying when I left, I reminded her that this was not goodbye, I was still going to volunteer, and in fact, I was coming back next Friday for my goodbye party! But I myself was a little too close to a public display of tears, far closer than I ever thought I would be!  So I thank all of them for the experience of working with them and with the organization, for the support they gave me as a staff member, and as a working/breastfeeding/pumping mother.

I also thank all my family and friends who have supported me through the challenges of being a working mother. It’s not easy and I know you had to listen to A LOT of complaints. I thank the nanny and the sitters who have watched my beautiful baby while I was at work. I thank the other mothers at my La Leche League group who offered support, advice and suggestions about being a working, nursing, and pumping mother. And I do thank the pump, for letting me work and still be able to nurse my baby when I’m home. And I really really thank my husband, who is on board with me packing up the pump, and my work office, so that I can stay home and be with Kalev full-time. It’s the most special gift.

So now as I zip up that pump bag and put it away, I realize that I don’t have to hate it anymore, and even better, I don’t have to use it anymore :-) Instead, it now symbolizes this new weird chapter in my life—shutting the door on my former job and opening the window to a whole new world of my making. This world of freedom to decide what I want to do, how I want to parent, and how to create the best environment for my baby. I am so excited to take this step! Happy New Year!!!