Walking Meditations

In our childbirth class we used a walking meditation a few times as one of our formal mindfulness practices. When we met for our reunion I shared that mindful walking was one of the formal practices in which I continued to undertake, although I hadn't really thought of it as a formal meditation or mindfulness practice before then. At that time Kalev was about two months old and I was on maternity leave. I would put Kalev in the Baby Bjorn and take him and the dogs out for a walk through the park or on the greenbelt. I loved it. Now, over a year later, I still take my walks, although now I am much more aware that I view them as a type of formal mindfulness practice. It's a time for me to enjoy nature--the smells, the sights, and the sounds of it. I don't take a cell phone or an iPod--it's just my babies and me. And my thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts tick off things to do but mostly they are just noticing what's around me. And that's what my goal is for these walks. Just to be. And to be mindful of the blessing of the nature that surrounds us and my family that is accompanying me on these walks.

As I mentioned, I share these walks with my three babies. And that definitely enhances the experience. For the dogs, this is the highlight of their day. They are completely mindful of the experience and notice many more things than I would have noticed had I been walking by myself. They literally stop to smell the roses (and then pee on them of course!). Since I let them stop and sniff, at least most of the time, I stop too. My walk is not a rush to get from Point A to Point B. And sometimes when I try to make it that way, my dogs remind me to slow down and smell those roses. Look at how beautiful the plants are. That the leaves have changed colors or have fallen off the trees. Feel that sun on your face. Dogs are good teachers of mindfulness.

And of course Kalev accompanies me on these walks. He, too, is an amazing mindfulness teacher. All babies are--they live for the moment, for the joy of the experience. There are no to do lists for them, there aren't even clocks. They just enjoy the experience of the walk. Kalev makes my walks such an amazing mindfulness and bonding experience. I have never walked Kalev in a stroller. We've used a variety of baby carriers for our walks and around the house. If you're into that thing you call it baby wearing. It's a beautiful concept. It simply means that you carry your baby. For many parents who follow attachment parenting principles, it means you carry that baby a lot. And they thrive. You as a parent do too because there are so many incredible benefits to babywearing (here are some resources about baby wearing if you want to learn more: Dr. Sears’ on babywearing, BabywearingInternational, thebabywearer.com). Wearing Kalev has truly made my walking mindfulness practice a communal experience, which might seem to counteract the whole mindfulness thing. But, as I mentioned, him being part of my walk truly enhances my experience, and in turn, my practice. Right now I wear Kalev in an Ergo baby carrier. His chest is against mine. I can feel the heat of his body and love that our breaths can join together because we are that attuned to one another. Because his face is so close to mine I experience the walk through his eyes as well as my own. I see the delight in those eyes as we walk, just for the pure joy of being on a walk. I see the curiosity spark and his neck crane as we pass people, dogs, bicyclists and utility workers. What are they doing? There's so much of this world that he is still learning about and that I in turn get to relearn or rethink about when I am with him. There's excitement in those eyes as a squirrel climbs a tree. And there's happiness as he leans back in the carrier so that he can look up at the trees. That's my favorite--he loves to look at how the leaves rustle and how the light shines through those tree limbs. And I love to watch him laugh and smile and reach out with his tiny hands to try to touch those tall trees.

It's also a time of such sharing of love between us. Sometimes he rests his head against my chin or my chest. We can give each other Eskimo or real kisses. And sometimes he just reaches out to give me a squeeze. I absolutely love those squeezes. I squeeze him all the time. Because I just can't get enough of him. Guess he feels the same way :-) Sometimes we talk to each other or sing. And sometimes we are just quiet and just take it all in. There's no pressure, there's no outline, there's just us, nature, and being. It's great.

This morning we took our walk in a blanket of fog. Winter hasn't really hit northern California all that much this year. But this morning it felt wintry. Normally I don't like the cold but I enjoyed this walk in it. The fog makes you feel separate from other people, like you are just walking in your own hazy place. And the air was so heavy and wet, but smelled and tasted so clean when I breathed it in. I love the feeling of fresh, clean air. This walk made me think of others I have taken in the past before I thought of them as mindfulness experiences. This foggy morning walk especially made me think of Ireland and the many walks I took there, over rolling green hills, across rocky cliffs, through rain and in the sun, always breathing in air that felt so incredibly pure. I loved being in Ireland and realize now that many of the walks there I experienced with a sense of joy, peace, and lots of introspection: hence, mindfulness. 

 Cliffs of Moher, Ireland 2008

Another memory is Masada. Very different from lush green hills and heavy wet air. We woke up before dawn and watched the sun rise above the Israeli desert. As we climbed up that high high rock to the ruins, I sensed a different flavor in the air: the air there is holy, you just feel it and know it is. You are a bit in awe, especially as you look over the side of the rock to the ground so incredibly far below you. To be mindful there is very easy to do. 

 Masada, Israel 2005

There are also less exotic walks I have taken that I feel have put me into a more mindful frame of mind: walks along various beaches, under the giant trees in Big Trees, even my family's common one in the Davis arboretum. A chance to escape the bustle of life and just be. A great opportunity to teach your children the value of living in, loving, and caring for nature, as well as taking time to just allow yourself to think and feel as you walk. And a great experience to share with the many teachers that can show us how natural this practice (of course not a practice for them at all, but just a state of being) is, our babies and our dogs.

Do you ever find yourself taking those mindful walks? Do you consider unplugging enough to fully absorb the experience? Where have some of those walks taken you? And with whom have you shared them?

Little Bits of Magic Amid All That Barf

This past weekend Kalev and I got sicker than we have ever been before. It was awful. It is truly a horrible experience to have to watch your little baby so unhappy and so sick and unable to express himself or tell us what he needs to make him feel better. Matt and I didn’t get any sleep Friday night since Kalev threw up every hour—9 times in one night! And more in the morning :-( His cries echoed throughout the house and all we could do was hold him and try to comfort him. It sucked. We thought he got better once his fever broke at 4 am Sunday morning but then it just started coming out the other end. Eww. Very gross and very sad and very worrisome that our baby couldn’t keep anything down. And then, as we took him to Urgent Care to make sure he wasn’t too dehydrated, I realized I was now getting sick. I rarely get sick but when I do, I usually scale back, rest for a bit, and then feel better. Well not this time. This time my head was in the toilet most of Sunday night. Of course it was the night I was supposed to attend and help host a gala for hundreds of people in honor of our Rabbi. I definitely did not make that. And I couldn’t be a very good mommy to my sick boy either because I was so sick. So that really upset me. And I also couldn’t do what I normally did when I was sick: lay in bed, watch TV and sleep. Because now, as a mommy, I still had to be around to help when Kalev needed me, at least as much as I could. But through all this pain, through the nausea, through the annoyance, there were still a few little glimmers of thoughts, that then became little tokens of mindfulness magic as I reflected upon them after I started to feel better:

·   My cuddling baby: Kalev has started to hug us in the past month or so. Meaning, we can ask for a hug and he’ll give it to us or he will purposely crawl into our laps and give us a squeeze. It’s my favorite. Another absolute favorite is that he has started giving us kisses as well. His kisses are big, sloppy, slobbery open mouth presses over our noses. I have never seen him kiss any place other than our noses. It’s wet, but it’s delightful. So as this little boy felt so incredibly icky this weekend, he asked for lots of hugs. He would often be held by me, then look towards Matt and reach out a limp hand. I would transfer him to Matt for a squeeze, some kisses, maybe some swaying, then he would be ready to go back to me for some mommy time. As much as I hated how sick he was, how hot his feverish body felt, I loved that body curled so tightly against mine. That’s true love and I loved feeling it. 

·   My hand holder: When I started to get sick and could barely move from my back because any other movement upset my rolling tummy more, Matt held Kalev against his chest as he was putting him to sleep. Kalev reached out his hand so I could hold it. Oh my god it was so precious. This little tiny hand reaching for mine. I took that hand and squeezed it tight. I remembered what it was like when Kalev was a newborn and his itty bitty hand would encircle my finger. Now he did it with purpose and love, and with a desire for comfort. And I loved that he trusted me to be that comfort for him. And his love, his squeezes, comforted me as well.

·   My helpful husband: I was completely out of commission Sunday night so Matt had to take over mommy and daddy duty, as well as hold my hair as he played nursemaid to me. He did great. It feels as all we did this weekend was laundry, mop, and hold a sick baby. Then he had to do even more once I could only move from my bed to the bathroom. I am so thankful I have a husband who enjoys playing with his son, who was willing to run to Nugget to get Kalev Pedialite and me 7Up, and who would help position Kalev so I could nurse him without his weight on my belly. Who then stayed up late after the rest of us went to bed so he could finish the work he was supposed to do while he nursed us. A very thoughtful husband. 

·   The miracle of breastmilk: I am again so very thankful that I can breastfeed Kalev. He didn’t eat or drink anything the first few days but I was not overly worried because I knew so long as he was able to take in some breastmilk, he would get the nutrients he needed and would not be too dehydrated. It is such a great feeling to know that he would be ok. The other cool thing is that he’s now old enough that he can nurse in so many weird positions that it was totally fine that I couldn’t nurse him in the cradle hold that we usually use to nurse. I woke up from one of my delirious dozes to find him sprawled perpendicular to me alongside the top of the bed happily nursing away. He was happy, getting the nutrients he needed, and I had no pressure on my belly. As much of a win-win as we could get in this situation.

·   Adapting and Freeing Playtime: Since I couldn’t move from my bed and later, when Matt had to go to work on Monday, the couch, all my commitments for the weekend had to be cancelled. Now canceling things, especially things I paid a lot of money for and/or committed to helping with, stresses me out, but in this case there was nothing I could do. So Kalev and I had nothing to do but play. And that was kind of nice and freeing. Now, I couldn’t really play in the way I normally do, in fact, I lay on the couch huddled under my down comforter and watched him play, or received the toys he brought me, but it was still nice to realize that nothing else had to matter that day. My to-do list was gone. No grocery shopping, no dish washing, no laundry, my calendar was scratched off. It was just about me not barfing anymore and Kalev being ok. By Monday the barfing had stopped for Kalev and while his other end still wasn’t happy, he was happy enough to play. And I loved that he kept bringing me his toys, and was ok that I “played” by holding what he brought me and giving him quick hugs. I loved the freedom of just playing and resolved that we needed to do more of that—just have days for playing (of course, I’ll have to schedule them in, but still, it’s a move in the right direction).

This weekend was hard, but it’s good to know that there are still things to be grateful for and little bits of magic to see and be happy about, even when things are tough. Some things I am especially grateful for after this weekend: my baby, my husband, febreeze, hardwood floors, butt paste, a washer and dryer in our house, and an empty urgent care center in Davis.

I am surprised and proud of myself that I managed to remain mindful and be a mindful parent during this tough time. I know that I wasn’t successful the entire weekend, that I gave into my frustration, to my fear, to my disgust of having Kalev’s barf in my hair, but all in all, I think we did pretty well. I don’t wish another such weekend upon us, but I am happy that we can have our hugs, our wet nose kisses, and that we find so much comfort in each other.