Little Bits of Magic Amid All That Barf

This past weekend Kalev and I got sicker than we have ever been before. It was awful. It is truly a horrible experience to have to watch your little baby so unhappy and so sick and unable to express himself or tell us what he needs to make him feel better. Matt and I didn’t get any sleep Friday night since Kalev threw up every hour—9 times in one night! And more in the morning :-( His cries echoed throughout the house and all we could do was hold him and try to comfort him. It sucked. We thought he got better once his fever broke at 4 am Sunday morning but then it just started coming out the other end. Eww. Very gross and very sad and very worrisome that our baby couldn’t keep anything down. And then, as we took him to Urgent Care to make sure he wasn’t too dehydrated, I realized I was now getting sick. I rarely get sick but when I do, I usually scale back, rest for a bit, and then feel better. Well not this time. This time my head was in the toilet most of Sunday night. Of course it was the night I was supposed to attend and help host a gala for hundreds of people in honor of our Rabbi. I definitely did not make that. And I couldn’t be a very good mommy to my sick boy either because I was so sick. So that really upset me. And I also couldn’t do what I normally did when I was sick: lay in bed, watch TV and sleep. Because now, as a mommy, I still had to be around to help when Kalev needed me, at least as much as I could. But through all this pain, through the nausea, through the annoyance, there were still a few little glimmers of thoughts, that then became little tokens of mindfulness magic as I reflected upon them after I started to feel better:

·   My cuddling baby: Kalev has started to hug us in the past month or so. Meaning, we can ask for a hug and he’ll give it to us or he will purposely crawl into our laps and give us a squeeze. It’s my favorite. Another absolute favorite is that he has started giving us kisses as well. His kisses are big, sloppy, slobbery open mouth presses over our noses. I have never seen him kiss any place other than our noses. It’s wet, but it’s delightful. So as this little boy felt so incredibly icky this weekend, he asked for lots of hugs. He would often be held by me, then look towards Matt and reach out a limp hand. I would transfer him to Matt for a squeeze, some kisses, maybe some swaying, then he would be ready to go back to me for some mommy time. As much as I hated how sick he was, how hot his feverish body felt, I loved that body curled so tightly against mine. That’s true love and I loved feeling it. 

·   My hand holder: When I started to get sick and could barely move from my back because any other movement upset my rolling tummy more, Matt held Kalev against his chest as he was putting him to sleep. Kalev reached out his hand so I could hold it. Oh my god it was so precious. This little tiny hand reaching for mine. I took that hand and squeezed it tight. I remembered what it was like when Kalev was a newborn and his itty bitty hand would encircle my finger. Now he did it with purpose and love, and with a desire for comfort. And I loved that he trusted me to be that comfort for him. And his love, his squeezes, comforted me as well.

·   My helpful husband: I was completely out of commission Sunday night so Matt had to take over mommy and daddy duty, as well as hold my hair as he played nursemaid to me. He did great. It feels as all we did this weekend was laundry, mop, and hold a sick baby. Then he had to do even more once I could only move from my bed to the bathroom. I am so thankful I have a husband who enjoys playing with his son, who was willing to run to Nugget to get Kalev Pedialite and me 7Up, and who would help position Kalev so I could nurse him without his weight on my belly. Who then stayed up late after the rest of us went to bed so he could finish the work he was supposed to do while he nursed us. A very thoughtful husband. 

·   The miracle of breastmilk: I am again so very thankful that I can breastfeed Kalev. He didn’t eat or drink anything the first few days but I was not overly worried because I knew so long as he was able to take in some breastmilk, he would get the nutrients he needed and would not be too dehydrated. It is such a great feeling to know that he would be ok. The other cool thing is that he’s now old enough that he can nurse in so many weird positions that it was totally fine that I couldn’t nurse him in the cradle hold that we usually use to nurse. I woke up from one of my delirious dozes to find him sprawled perpendicular to me alongside the top of the bed happily nursing away. He was happy, getting the nutrients he needed, and I had no pressure on my belly. As much of a win-win as we could get in this situation.

·   Adapting and Freeing Playtime: Since I couldn’t move from my bed and later, when Matt had to go to work on Monday, the couch, all my commitments for the weekend had to be cancelled. Now canceling things, especially things I paid a lot of money for and/or committed to helping with, stresses me out, but in this case there was nothing I could do. So Kalev and I had nothing to do but play. And that was kind of nice and freeing. Now, I couldn’t really play in the way I normally do, in fact, I lay on the couch huddled under my down comforter and watched him play, or received the toys he brought me, but it was still nice to realize that nothing else had to matter that day. My to-do list was gone. No grocery shopping, no dish washing, no laundry, my calendar was scratched off. It was just about me not barfing anymore and Kalev being ok. By Monday the barfing had stopped for Kalev and while his other end still wasn’t happy, he was happy enough to play. And I loved that he kept bringing me his toys, and was ok that I “played” by holding what he brought me and giving him quick hugs. I loved the freedom of just playing and resolved that we needed to do more of that—just have days for playing (of course, I’ll have to schedule them in, but still, it’s a move in the right direction).

This weekend was hard, but it’s good to know that there are still things to be grateful for and little bits of magic to see and be happy about, even when things are tough. Some things I am especially grateful for after this weekend: my baby, my husband, febreeze, hardwood floors, butt paste, a washer and dryer in our house, and an empty urgent care center in Davis.

I am surprised and proud of myself that I managed to remain mindful and be a mindful parent during this tough time. I know that I wasn’t successful the entire weekend, that I gave into my frustration, to my fear, to my disgust of having Kalev’s barf in my hair, but all in all, I think we did pretty well. I don’t wish another such weekend upon us, but I am happy that we can have our hugs, our wet nose kisses, and that we find so much comfort in each other.