Thursday, November 27, 2014

Happy Birthsgiving Kalev!


Last night I was bursting--with love, with excitement, with thankfulness. You see, it was almost Kalev's birthday. I had just finished wrapping his presents, helping Matt set up the balloon good morning happy birthday deal, and writing his birthday letter. And I was so full. Of so many good things and happy memories and hopes for the future. I couldn't sleep, even though I was nestled between the two greatest gifts I had ever been given. So I quickly emailed myself the following, so I could remember and share it with the birthday boy when he woke up. I am so aware today how absolutely lucky I am. I look back and realize that last night there wasn’t any worry about to-do lists or conflict resolution or even feeling tired. There was just overflowing love. And it still feels so good. Happy birthday Kalev! Happy becoming a mother day to me! And Happy Thanksgiving to everyone :-)

On Nov 26, 2014, at 9:51 PM, Kristi Link-Crosier <klink82@me.com> wrote:

I kissed you. Then I kissed you again. My heart is just so full to bursting. 4 years ago YOU made me a mom. Seriously, the best thing that has ever happened to me. I kinda want to wake you up because I am so excited and I want to share this joy with you, tell you about it, tickle your tummy and make you laugh and laugh along with you. I'm a mom!!! You are my baby and you made me a mom! And you are so cool, so very very cool. And I just love you so much. 4 years ago the contractions had just started. And just a few hours later you were in my arms. And a few years later here we are, my big boy, running, racing, jumping, laughing, talking, painting, dancing, singing, moving moving moving. But now so still. Snuggled against my leg. Will you ever know, really know, how much I love you? How lucky I am to have you, how blessed I am you made me a mom? I hope so, I hope so much you can see and feel some of this crazy deep intense love vibrating off me. I want it to go to your core, surround you and go deep in you. It will always be there baby. I LOVE YOU!!! Thank you for being mine, for making me a mom. I am so very happy I have you. Happy Birthsgiving :-)


Can you see the joy this kid feels? I'm feeling it right now too. I want to feel it always!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Lines on My Face

Yesterday I woke up with lines on my face. No, not those lines, although I am sure I have tons of those. But those crease lines you get on your face when you fall into such a deep sleep that you don't move at all and the proof is on your face. I don't know the last time I had a deep sleep. It seems like for months at least one, if not both, kids' sleep has been messed up with teething, transitions, growing pains, whatever (and who knows!). And that means that Matt and my sleep has of course been messed up (or in other words nonexistent, at least the deep kind). But yesterday I dropped Kalev off at preschool and he was fine--no tears, no fears as I had expected and worried about and planned to respond to before easing out. Nope, a nice, easy hug and kiss goodbye and off he went to dig more tunnels in the dirt. I got home, got Aviella down to sleep. And then I did it. I laid down too. I snuggled Baby Girl against me, that precious breath to breath goodness that I just love so much. I closed my eyes. And I stressed. Oy! There's so much to do! And one kid is at school, the other is asleep! I need to do be doing something. The birthday books, Baby Girl's 1st birthday party, sweep, mop, laundry, pay bills ... The list was so much longer. I can't lay down. And I certainly can't sleep! But now I'm laying down and not sleeping! That's even worse! I'm wasting even more time!

And then I woke up. Saw that clock: 11:20! May have said "oh shit!" because I had planned to leave at 11:30 to get back to school. Very happy I didn't oversleep. But I had lines on my face. I had the proof of my deep sleep. I had my baby girl in my arms, sweet milky breath whispering against my face, her soft hand rested against my ribcage. Not wasted time at all.


My snuggle bug

Monday, September 8, 2014

Heart Melting Moments


 Just a few little things that have been melting my heart lately ...

-       When I’m cooking dinner and suddenly feel small little arms wrap around my knees, tiny little fingers grip my thighs and a warm head nuzzle against the back of my legs. The. Best. Ever. (or at least one of them)
-       Kalev saying “I love you with all my might.”

 Photo by Michelle Byars

-       Kalev and Aviella cracking up while doing face plants on the bed.


-       Baby Girl raspberries against my knees and legs when I sit on the couch


-       Kalev looking down at his (naked) wrist to tell me how much longer we can play at the beach.
-       Kalev: “Ima, I like you forever. I like Aviella forever. I like Gracie and Elliot forever. I like Abba forever.”
-       When I get into bed, Kalev rolls over, locks an arm around my neck, and snuggles close with a huge smile. All while he is still asleep. That boy is full of love.

This is an old picture, but gosh I love that smile and snuggle :-)

-       Aviella stopping to hug me around the knees as she walks to a toy.
-    Dancing with my husband to our first song five years after that very special day. And still feeling mushy and tingly and excited and full, very very full, as we swayed around the front room, kids screaming and singing and dancing with us.

Feeling very very LUCKY tonight

Monday, August 4, 2014

Reframing (and better understanding) My Spirited Child


I just started reading Raising Your Spirited Child (yes, I know, how did this book escape me for so long? Anyways, it has been started. I’m on chapter 6. It’s competing with Nora Robert’s new book  ;-) But it’s already triggered some intense thinking and I’m sure lots more will be in my future). When I came into bed the other night, where Kalev had already been asleep for a few hours, I watched my beautiful sleeping boy for a bit and so much of what I had recently read in this book washed over me. I curled in close and was rewarded by him instinctively turning towards me and wrapping a sleep-laden arm around my neck. He snuggled closer. He smiled in his sleep as he did so. The soft, sweet smile (the one that shows no teeth as opposed to his happy and excited smile that shows all the shiny toothy goodness). Oh god I love this boy. My love came pouring through for this amazing, sweet child. As well as my awareness, and guilt (oy, always so much guilt! Do all parents feel so much guilt?), for the disservice I've been doing him.



This boy doesn't stop moving. When he spins he keeps twirling until he falls to the ground, dizzy but laughing. When he jumps his feet leap high off the ground and he lands with gusto. And when he runs, boy does he run! The excitement and energy just comes spilling out of this kid. But sometimes, when he's struggling to or just can't contain it, it doesn't come out in safe ways. I think these actions spurred from excitement are different than those with their root in anger or frustration. Although we have plenty of challenges with the latter too. I believe they are interconnected, and the definitions blur a bit, but I think the more I try to distinguish them and identify in which category his actions are coming from, the better I will be able to respond to his needs and guide him in finding what method works best for expressing himself safely. I’ve been reading up on this issue too. But that's an entirely different post ;-). Anyways, the level of anxiety that I’ve felt about this energy of his and how it relates to other children has been, and still is, exhausting.



From the little bit of the book I’ve read so far I really think that the way I’ve been dealing with his actions, and the constant anxiety and stress and overanalyzing I’ve done in my head (and out loud) have been setting him up to fail and then blaming him when he does so. And oy, the talking talking talking I do about it all the time drives me crazy. A self-fulfilling prophecy as my friend Megan put it. Why must I bring it up whenever anyone asks how we are doing? Because for the majority of the time we do fine. There are just moments, often times that I can/should anticipate because I do watch and know my son, that he tends to push instead of using words even when it’s not about anger, frustration, or aggression. Or he invades the space of a child that likes their personal bubble. Or he’s too excited while tickling and ends up scratching.  So my current light bulb understanding is: he's 3 and apparently fits Kurcinka’s definition of a spirited child. And while his behavior is not always okay, it's often normal, especially for a spirited child. And can hopefully be better accepted and handled by myself and others by an enhanced understanding of his needs, framed by this spirited child lens. So my goal is to stop the obsessing. Accept that it is a normal phase, one that needs safe limits and boundaries, but to stop the obsession and anxiety that surrounds it. Because when I spend a chunk of the day discussing pushing and the need to calm down etc. instead of just playing with him we both are left with memories of the negative experiences instead of the fun and positive that our day has held.



I think a big part of this shift is reframing the labels, or descriptions, that I, and others, attribute to him. I can definitely thank reading the book for this idea because as soon as I read about doing this, I started trying to incorporate this reframing, in my head when I think over situations, as well as during the situations themselves, and I think it’s made a big difference. To me in how I perceive what’s going on and to him in what he’s hearing. So instead of saying he’s loud or wild or even acting rough or mean, I  try to reframe some of these actions and behaviors as energetic, passionate, enthusiastic, gleeful, invigorated. He needs to hear himself described in this way because it truly is what he’s all about—his love, his zest for life and friends and play is what drives his energy so that he’s racing around, spinning, jumping, tickling with such excited fervor. And he definitely can get carried away. But what a beautiful place it comes from, the love in his heart.



So, step 1: Reframing these labels.



And step 2: Reframing activities (outside, movement, friends).



Even before I picked up the book I had realized that when we went out first thing for a walk the day often turned out better. This kid needs to MOVE. He needs the freedom of the outdoors to run, bike, skip, jump. Once I started reading the book it totally supported this thought. Kurcinka believes spirited children that are high on the intensity and energy scale need activities that allow them to safely expend their energy. Matt has commented on the change, mentioning what a better mood Kalev has been in and how much more controlled, on the whole, his actions are towards Aviella and Matt, even when he’s really excited. Yeah, 6 hours outside will do that for this kid I guess. Unfortunately, 6 hours outside is A LOT for this mama, but I am trying to troop along.



The other key that the book helped me identify is that as an extrovert Kalev gets his energy from people and he needs that connection to people to keep him balanced. So I’ve been actively seeking out social activities for him. And that has helped too. I thought I’d get a break this summer and we could just veg but this boy needs his friends.



Those above two steps are hopefully going to inform me how I view my son, his needs, and his actions. I’m always so quick to assume he’s at fault in a conflict situation when sometimes he is just reacting (albeit poorly) to another child being physical or just negatively verbal to him. Or even when there’s not a conflict but I hear a child crying and immediately assume Kalev had something to do with it (happened at two different play dates this week. Both times the children fell by themselves and Kalev wasn’t even in the vicinity. Oy, the guilt this mama felt when my crazy eyes tried tracking where he was while asking if he had hurt them). And perhaps especially when there is no conflict on the horizon but I can see the excitement bubbling up in my son and I anticipate that it will unleash itself in not the safest of ways. This is part of the definition of spirited as it applies to my son and I want to stop blaming him for these things when really, he is just being what he is. So I need to stand up for my boy. To put some trust that he can control some of that excitement and faith that he will respond and interact in safe ways. And to let him know more often that he is sweet and gentle and loving, not only to his parents, but to his sister and his friends. That he can count on me to help him when he needs it, if it’s help verbalizing his need of space or need to play with friends, ability to move his body without causing harm, or some quiet time to calm down from expending all that energy. I want him to know that it is wonderful, and just so much more alive than I am, to greet each day, and so many events of the day, with such excitement and enthusiasm. To love life this much is amazing. It's a lot for a homebody mama to always take in, and to allow room for, but wow is it something else.


I look forward to continuing this book that so many people have recommended and hope for more tools to use to be mindful of the sweetest loving heart of my boy. I think the biggest issue I still struggle with is when his energy and excitement build up on play dates. Do  parents of spirited children out there have any ideas for ways to help bring the intensity and excitement level down so that he can play safely with his friends? So far the book has just suggested activities like water play, reading a book, etc. So not something I feel I can easily incorporate in the middle of a play date. I’m trying to think of go-to words or activities that I can use when his energy level raises too high and he just needs to step back and calm down before continuing to play. 

All in all I think we are making progress, the both of us. I started writing this post over two weeks ago (can you tell my time at the computer is rare?!) and I think things have definitely already shifted. When I remember to slow down and really focus on the positive it sure changes our day :-)

The following are some of my favorite pictures of Kalev from our recent family portraits. I feel they really capture Kalev's energy and excitement, as well as his tenderness.

All photos by the wonderful and very talented Michelle Byars.



 

 



Thursday, May 29, 2014

Turning Off The Wandering and Turning On The Play




I feel like I haven't truly focused on my kids, on the interactions and the play instead of just the are-you-clothed-and-fed stuff, for months. Maybe since January. When the whole house hunt business started. That is insane. It makes me feel sick. And so sad. Months wasted as my brain couldn't focus but kept wandering. To to-do lists, to house dreams, to priorities, to wondering what-ifs, whens, hows. My brain just wouldn't stop. It constantly wandered. I'd look down and have a toy in my hand and see my son animatedly playing but I'd realize I didn't even know if we were playing construction site or Paw Patrol. He'd have to remind me when I asked. The unconditional love of a three year old for his mother allowed him to give me the answer and still want to play with me. And I didn't think much of it until yesterday when I think I finally started focusing again.

The house is moved. Most of the boxes are unpacked. I don't know if I've given up on the others or am in denial or am just okay with finally taking a break. The dishwasher has been ordered, the glass man came and that order submitted. The end of the year teachers’ gifts are mostly done. My board report is finished. So my to-do list finally shrank. The first few weeks of May saw all these different parts of my life crashing together, demanding my attention in more ways than they had the rest of the year. So that crest has passed. My brain is therefore naturally not as full. And so I can focus once again.

And when I focus I can see the light in my kids' eyes as they recognize a truly engaged parent. It's different. They can tell. They can tell when my mind is wandering and that while my hands might make the toy car move across the couch my head just isn't there. And what does that say about my heart? And what I'm teaching my children about the most important thing in the world--the people you love? That it's ok to only pay them a fragment of your attention because you have a lot on your mind?

A month or so ago a bunch of people on Facebook linked to articles discussing having cell phone free time. To put down the electronics and engage with your kids. I totally support that idea (and am definitely guilty of texting and checking email wayyyyy too often on my phone) but what if the distraction isn't (just) the cell phone? It's all those things bouncing around in your head? How do you quiet those thoughts and tuck them away to a later time, a time when the eyes of your child aren't looking up at you with excitement, expectation and glee? I know these times are fleeting. That soon enough Kalev won't want to hold my hand just because. That he won't turn to me as his playmate. That the time we can sit on the floor together and build garages will soon be a memory. So how can I focus better on these times that I have now? To truly play with my children instead of just going through the motions while my mind is elsewhere?

If you haven't discovered Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting I highly suggest her. Great stuff there. Lots of thoughts and suggestions for incorporating play (and its importance) in you and your children's lives. So I have that resource. Matt and I try to use it. And I think it does help. But it still doesn't get to that core issue that I realize I have--how to turn off my mental wanderings and focus on the play. Would love thoughts, suggestions and what has worked for you. Because the change I've seen in my kids today and yesterday, that special laughter that I now realize is their complete happiness that their number one person in the world (yes, so very thankful that's still me for a few more years) is focusing on them and what is fun for them and makes them happy, is priceless. I need to see it more.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

So Fast ...


So fast ...



Waving around the stick in glee

The plus sign

A sign I had been waiting for

Wait, better check again

Yes, yes it's true!

But better get the blood check just to make sure ...



Sick sick oh so sick

Was that a kick?

Push push, now a kick back!

Baby, you are in there

You are real



Push! Push!

On my side

So fast

Push! Ow! Push!

Blue baby in my arms. Oh god!

Chubby face, closed eyes, cheek rubbing against my chest

Thank God

Nurses rubbing her pink

It's a girl! A girl! I have a girl!

I thought I wanted all boys ...

But a girl, my girl, I have a daughter. Oh wow. So full of joy.



She's mine.

So tiny.

So much bigger than he was.

Look at those thighs!

And her tuchis!

Chunks and rolls and so warm

In my arms

No longer in my belly

How did that happen?



She smiles

She stretches

She sleeps against me

Faces inches from each other

We breath as one

Like we used to, but now she is against my belly instead of in it

Wow. Just wow. So amazing.

The tiny pudgy toes. The fingernails.

Oh look, her eyelashes have grown in!

When did that happen?



Naked butt after bath

Trying to rub lotion on a squirmy body

Pushing onto her knees

What?! How can that be?



Back arching against the wrap

Time to switch to the Ergo

Small fingers flutter against my ribs

Magic butterfly memories of love

Of connection



She moves

Slide push slide

Back back back

She's off the play mat!

But she's too young ...



Forward

Forward

She's off

One knee, scoot

Yes, she's across the room

Damn! That was fast

So fast



Ow! Tiny little corner of a tooth

Pokes against my fingertip

Poor hurting baby



Pulling pulling

How can she already pull herself up?

Big huge ginormous smile

So proud of herself

Look Ima, one-handed

I am amazing

Yes, my baby, you are

How do you do that?



Eyes follow the food from my plate

To my mouth

Big wide eyes

Watching watching

Guess it's time I share

The goodness the earth has given us

She may be ready

I’m not ready

My baby

No, I’m not ready

So fast



Asleep in my arms

Hand against my breast

She no longer fits in just my lap

Her feet rest against the couch arm



Seven and a half months

So fast

Stay stay

No, grow

...

But stay too.

Too fast



Three and a half years

So fast

A blur

So much

Come into my lap

Let me breathe in your hair

Your skin

Look into your eyes

My eyes

Mine

So fast



Let me remember

I can't slow it down

I often want to speed it up so I can just sleep

Let me hold you

Kiss you

Oh crap, forgot to brush your teeth

Must do that

Put on shoes

Pack bag

Get snacks

Go go go! We're late!



So so fast

Friday, May 16, 2014

Real White Noise


I never used a white noise machine until Baby Girl came along. I wanted my kids to be able to sleep without the aid of some machine ... Now with two kids, a small house, and all of us sleeping in one family bed I got real and saw that we desperately needed that aid (and so many others!).  It's become our norm to turn on "the rain," as Kalev calls it, when we put our babies to bed. Luckily there's an app for that and the rain can travel wherever we need to go to get the job done :-) So handy, this technology.



This past weekend, Mother's Day weekend, we spent with my family at Dillon Beach to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday. The second day we were there I sat on the beach with my baby girl nursing happily. I looked down and this active, I'm-distracted-by-everything-so-it's-hard-for-me-to-nurse-or-sleep-in-public-anymore (and oh yeah I'm teething) little girl was fast asleep. The breeze whispered across both our faces. The sun beat down overhead. And the waves crashed against the shore just a bit away from us. I watched her. I watched the waves. I watched my son in his rolled up jeans (yes that's how you dress for Northern California beaches) race back and forth from the hole he was digging to the water to scoop some in a bucket to the tide pools to explore the animals. His laughter rang out with complete glee, freedom, and thrill and it sounded so good. And so did those waves. I consciously thought how I should stay sitting up, my back propped against my bag, my baby sleeping on my chest, the large rock formation blocking us from the wind, and enjoy this moment. Look at the water. We haven't been to the beach since I was pregnant, last July, almost a year ago. And we love the beach. It rejuvenates us. So I should make this short weekend count. Eyes open, take in everything, remember it all.  The kids were happy. There was nothing I had to do. I could just be.



Instead I laid down on the quilt, sweet Aviella asleep in the crook of my arm, our faces inches away from each other, breaths mingling, stomachs pressed together, sun warming us on the cool day. I slept. The waves crashed in the background. So much better than my rain app. And even though I felt I should be soaking up the joy and peace of these moments with my eyes, my body soaked them up with a lovely peaceful sleep there on the beach, baby in my arms, the beautiful, soothing sounds of the ocean in my ears. 

Real white noise and the total peace it brings. Amazing.