Little Bits of Magic Amid All That Barf

This past weekend Kalev and I got sicker than we have ever been before. It was awful. It is truly a horrible experience to have to watch your little baby so unhappy and so sick and unable to express himself or tell us what he needs to make him feel better. Matt and I didn’t get any sleep Friday night since Kalev threw up every hour—9 times in one night! And more in the morning :-( His cries echoed throughout the house and all we could do was hold him and try to comfort him. It sucked. We thought he got better once his fever broke at 4 am Sunday morning but then it just started coming out the other end. Eww. Very gross and very sad and very worrisome that our baby couldn’t keep anything down. And then, as we took him to Urgent Care to make sure he wasn’t too dehydrated, I realized I was now getting sick. I rarely get sick but when I do, I usually scale back, rest for a bit, and then feel better. Well not this time. This time my head was in the toilet most of Sunday night. Of course it was the night I was supposed to attend and help host a gala for hundreds of people in honor of our Rabbi. I definitely did not make that. And I couldn’t be a very good mommy to my sick boy either because I was so sick. So that really upset me. And I also couldn’t do what I normally did when I was sick: lay in bed, watch TV and sleep. Because now, as a mommy, I still had to be around to help when Kalev needed me, at least as much as I could. But through all this pain, through the nausea, through the annoyance, there were still a few little glimmers of thoughts, that then became little tokens of mindfulness magic as I reflected upon them after I started to feel better:

·   My cuddling baby: Kalev has started to hug us in the past month or so. Meaning, we can ask for a hug and he’ll give it to us or he will purposely crawl into our laps and give us a squeeze. It’s my favorite. Another absolute favorite is that he has started giving us kisses as well. His kisses are big, sloppy, slobbery open mouth presses over our noses. I have never seen him kiss any place other than our noses. It’s wet, but it’s delightful. So as this little boy felt so incredibly icky this weekend, he asked for lots of hugs. He would often be held by me, then look towards Matt and reach out a limp hand. I would transfer him to Matt for a squeeze, some kisses, maybe some swaying, then he would be ready to go back to me for some mommy time. As much as I hated how sick he was, how hot his feverish body felt, I loved that body curled so tightly against mine. That’s true love and I loved feeling it. 

·   My hand holder: When I started to get sick and could barely move from my back because any other movement upset my rolling tummy more, Matt held Kalev against his chest as he was putting him to sleep. Kalev reached out his hand so I could hold it. Oh my god it was so precious. This little tiny hand reaching for mine. I took that hand and squeezed it tight. I remembered what it was like when Kalev was a newborn and his itty bitty hand would encircle my finger. Now he did it with purpose and love, and with a desire for comfort. And I loved that he trusted me to be that comfort for him. And his love, his squeezes, comforted me as well.

·   My helpful husband: I was completely out of commission Sunday night so Matt had to take over mommy and daddy duty, as well as hold my hair as he played nursemaid to me. He did great. It feels as all we did this weekend was laundry, mop, and hold a sick baby. Then he had to do even more once I could only move from my bed to the bathroom. I am so thankful I have a husband who enjoys playing with his son, who was willing to run to Nugget to get Kalev Pedialite and me 7Up, and who would help position Kalev so I could nurse him without his weight on my belly. Who then stayed up late after the rest of us went to bed so he could finish the work he was supposed to do while he nursed us. A very thoughtful husband. 

·   The miracle of breastmilk: I am again so very thankful that I can breastfeed Kalev. He didn’t eat or drink anything the first few days but I was not overly worried because I knew so long as he was able to take in some breastmilk, he would get the nutrients he needed and would not be too dehydrated. It is such a great feeling to know that he would be ok. The other cool thing is that he’s now old enough that he can nurse in so many weird positions that it was totally fine that I couldn’t nurse him in the cradle hold that we usually use to nurse. I woke up from one of my delirious dozes to find him sprawled perpendicular to me alongside the top of the bed happily nursing away. He was happy, getting the nutrients he needed, and I had no pressure on my belly. As much of a win-win as we could get in this situation.

·   Adapting and Freeing Playtime: Since I couldn’t move from my bed and later, when Matt had to go to work on Monday, the couch, all my commitments for the weekend had to be cancelled. Now canceling things, especially things I paid a lot of money for and/or committed to helping with, stresses me out, but in this case there was nothing I could do. So Kalev and I had nothing to do but play. And that was kind of nice and freeing. Now, I couldn’t really play in the way I normally do, in fact, I lay on the couch huddled under my down comforter and watched him play, or received the toys he brought me, but it was still nice to realize that nothing else had to matter that day. My to-do list was gone. No grocery shopping, no dish washing, no laundry, my calendar was scratched off. It was just about me not barfing anymore and Kalev being ok. By Monday the barfing had stopped for Kalev and while his other end still wasn’t happy, he was happy enough to play. And I loved that he kept bringing me his toys, and was ok that I “played” by holding what he brought me and giving him quick hugs. I loved the freedom of just playing and resolved that we needed to do more of that—just have days for playing (of course, I’ll have to schedule them in, but still, it’s a move in the right direction).

This weekend was hard, but it’s good to know that there are still things to be grateful for and little bits of magic to see and be happy about, even when things are tough. Some things I am especially grateful for after this weekend: my baby, my husband, febreeze, hardwood floors, butt paste, a washer and dryer in our house, and an empty urgent care center in Davis.

I am surprised and proud of myself that I managed to remain mindful and be a mindful parent during this tough time. I know that I wasn’t successful the entire weekend, that I gave into my frustration, to my fear, to my disgust of having Kalev’s barf in my hair, but all in all, I think we did pretty well. I don’t wish another such weekend upon us, but I am happy that we can have our hugs, our wet nose kisses, and that we find so much comfort in each other.

Bye Bye Pump, Hello Freedom!

I washed out my pump for the last time (well at least for a couple years) and put it in the hall closet. This pump has symbolized so many things over the past year. First, I despised the pump. It symbolized me having to go back to work, being away from my baby and being hooked up to a machine in order to feed my baby the way I wanted to feed him. I glared at the pump as I cleaned it each night and packed it up every morning. I shoved the plug into my surge protector at work and hunched over my desk with a frown as I listened to the pump chug along. Initially the noise from the pump irritated me and sounded so repetitively like “Come back soon, come back soon.” And I clenched my teeth with hate because I didn’t want to come back soon, I hated coming back. Every time I looked at the pump, I thought of my separation from my baby, my guilt that I was feeding him from the bottle instead of directly at the breast (which was really guilt that there was a nanny instead of me being with him), and the thought of the endless days ahead that this separation would continue, just as I would continue to see and use that damn pump every day.

Over the months I adjusted and I stopped hating the pump. I started looking forward to my two forced breaks a day. I never took breaks before I had to pump, at least not scheduled planned breaks where I just took 10 minutes to myself and just read for pleasure. Yes, I was still hooked up to the annoying machine, but I had some me-ish time. That was kind of nice. I am definitely a person of habit, so I pumped at specific times and as those times drew closer, I would look forward to tidying up my desk, getting out the pump supplies, setting everything up, and having that ten minute break. And I would return to work a little more refreshed afterward. So for expectant mothers out there, or mothers returning to work, this is the phase to look forward to. I had read about this phase in one of the many returning to work for mothers books I looked at, but I of course didn’t think of it during phase 1, the angry/hating/guilty phase. But as I entered this second phase I remembered the passages I had read that encouraged mothers to view the necessity of taking breaks to pump as blessed breaks from work. I also thought about the fact that I was dedicated to doing something really great for my baby—giving him breast milk even though I had to drag the pump with me to work, and sometimes find odd places to pump if I was at meetings or giving presentations offsite. I think another really cool thing is that I wasn’t shy about it. Everyone at work knew I was doing it. So in this way, I was exposing people to the idea of pumping and being a working mother would continued to feed her baby breastmilk. I had never been exposed to anyone pumping before I had Kalev and I honestly don’t know how many people do it, or if most people just give up when they return to work. But when my secretary told me one day that she thought it was so great that I do this and I kind of shrugged it off, I realized that yes, it is great and it is great that others are getting exposure to this way of parenting. It takes more work, a little bluntness or discomfort by letting others know that you are hooked up to a machine with your shirt up in an office right across from theirs, but the result is that amazing liquid gold that you are able to give your baby.

I must also say that my work environment made this possible for me. Yes, employers in California must allow workers to take pumping breaks and give them facilities to do so that are not bathrooms, but again, I’m not sure how much that actually happens, and I doubt that the environment is always a positive one. My co-workers were extremely supportive of me pumping, offering me their offices when I couldn’t pump in mine because my officemate had clients, moving meetings around my pumping schedule, and making sure there was room in the fridge for those happy little bottles afterwards. Thank you for this support and assistance. It really did mean a lot.

So as I pumped for the last time at work yesterday, I realized that it was indeed the last time I would be pumping at work. Wow! And it actually made me a little sad. Sorry Ms. Pump, I was not sad to be leaving you, but I was a little sad to be leaving what pumping had now come to symbolize for me: my office. I have wanted to leave so badly so I could be with my baby, and I still do and know it’s going to be great, but as I took diplomas and photos off my walls, went through my binders and passed out applicable materials to the other attorneys, and yes, pumped that last time, which gave me plenty of time to look around my now-naked office, seeing the blank walls and sad face of my office mate, I realized I was sad to leave these people and this place who has made me the person I am today. I’ve been at that office for 3.5 years as an attorney, 6 months as an intern while in law school, and for a year or more as a volunteer in another office for the same organization. That’s a lot of time, memories, and people I have become close with. I sent out a thank you to all the staff in the organization, and I got some very sweet and special replies that warmed my heart. And when my secretary almost started crying when I left, I reminded her that this was not goodbye, I was still going to volunteer, and in fact, I was coming back next Friday for my goodbye party! But I myself was a little too close to a public display of tears, far closer than I ever thought I would be!  So I thank all of them for the experience of working with them and with the organization, for the support they gave me as a staff member, and as a working/breastfeeding/pumping mother.

I also thank all my family and friends who have supported me through the challenges of being a working mother. It’s not easy and I know you had to listen to A LOT of complaints. I thank the nanny and the sitters who have watched my beautiful baby while I was at work. I thank the other mothers at my La Leche League group who offered support, advice and suggestions about being a working, nursing, and pumping mother. And I do thank the pump, for letting me work and still be able to nurse my baby when I’m home. And I really really thank my husband, who is on board with me packing up the pump, and my work office, so that I can stay home and be with Kalev full-time. It’s the most special gift.

So now as I zip up that pump bag and put it away, I realize that I don’t have to hate it anymore, and even better, I don’t have to use it anymore :-) Instead, it now symbolizes this new weird chapter in my life—shutting the door on my former job and opening the window to a whole new world of my making. This world of freedom to decide what I want to do, how I want to parent, and how to create the best environment for my baby. I am so excited to take this step! Happy New Year!!!