Why Haven’t I Learned Yet?

Last night I lay in bed discouraged. What had started as a beautiful, fun, spontaneous day had turned into a challenging, exhausting, frustrating afternoon and evening. I watched my now-peaceful son sleeping next to me and hated myself for the totally not-mindful mama I felt I acted like the past few hours. I know better. I read about it, I write about it, I talk about it endlessly—how to be a mindful, intentional, responsive, and respectful parent. So why haven’t I learned how to do it yet?!

The following were questions about this issue of responding mindfully that I jotted down last night when I was too tired to write here:

·      Why haven’t I learned that just because I am progressing down my to-do list it doesn’t mean Kalev doesn’t need me right at that exact moment?

·      Why haven’t I learned that even if Kalev just had a three-hour nap that he could still be tired?

·      Why haven’t I learned that it is more important to dance with my son than do the dishes or make dinner?

·      Why haven’t I learned that cuddling and nursing until Kalev signals he’s ready for the next activity would prevent the battle for my attention and my fixation on getting things done?

·      Why haven’t I learned that time is too short and so very soon Kalev won’t be asking me to play with him? Or to cuddle him? Or to nurse him?

·      Why haven’t I learned that it so important, one of the most important things, to just be, instead of do, do, do?

Framing these questions made me feel better. I know I have learned the answers to them, it’s just hard to always remember when I’m tired and preoccupied. And it’s hard, in fact impossible, to always remember and implement these answers and responses every single time. I know I have it in me to give Kalev the response he needs and deserves and usually I do a pretty good job. And I know from our childbirth class that being mindful is about realizing this knowledge, even when the knowledge shows your mistakes and ways you did not want to act.

I also know one of the most important things we are so lucky to have as parents—that when Kalev woke up with a huge smile on his face and greeted me with kisses, he had already forgiven me even before I apologized. And when I told him I was sorry about how I acted and that it was not right for me to be so impatient and frustrated, he nodded and smiled, then took my hand to go and play. And, because I had learned a little bit, I followed. Even though the dishes are still in the sink. Even when I mess up, when I’m not mindful, when I’m not the best mother in the world, I’ll get another chance to implement all these things I’ve learned. That’s what’s so great about a loving relationship—since I do okay most of the time, I get some slack when I mess up. There’s no perfect parent and mistakes happen. It’s how we repair them and how we act the next time that shows how mindful we are as parents, and teaches our children how to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and know that tomorrow is another day to try again. And since today is Friday, I have a feeling today is going to be a good day!

Countdown to a New Identity: Stay At Home Mom

In 24 days I will be taking my numerous diplomas off my office wall and bringing them home, most likely to sit on the floor of our home office for an indeterminable amount of time. As I take down these indicators of my profession as an attorney at a legal office, I also strip away this identity that I’ve now been used to having for a few years. And the new identity I will assume is very different: that of a 100% stay at home mom. Wow!

Everyone knows I’ve been yapping about staying at home with Kalev for ages. Ever since I got pregnant I realized I wanted to be home with the tiny flutterings inside me that soon turned into the most beautiful baby. I talked and talked and talked about it but didn’t think it could happen. Then I went on maternity leave and spent five blissful months at home with Kalev. It was the happiest time of my life. I didn’t feel stressed for the first time I could remember since junior high! Despite waking up every two hours nightly to nurse, I felt refreshed. Why was this? Scientifically, I was pumping oxytocin like crazy because I nursed all day and night. I wasn’t thinking about work, which typically stresses me out since I always feel like I have so much to do there and never enough time. I wasn’t on a schedule. For the first time in my life this super organized crazy scheduler that used to color code her calendar didn’t even look at her calendar. Or wear a watch. Instead, I watched Kalev. When he was tired, we slept. Yes, WE. I took so many naps I couldn’t believe it. And what amazing, deep, peaceful naps they were as I cuddled my baby in my arms, our rhythmic breathes mingling together as we slept. When we needed to move, we walked the dogs and inhaled the beauty of the nature around us. We visited with friends, we joined La Leche League, I exercised and I showered every single day. It was amazing. And I knew, deep to my core, I needed to stay home with Kalev.

When I went back to work it was hard, as all new mothers will tell you. I soon got caught up in my to-do list, my schedule, my clients, my program. And I left my baby at home with a babysitter. I felt awful. Every time I pumped at my desk I begrudged not nursing my baby and making someone else give him a bottle instead of me being there for him. When he started to realize I was leaving in the mornings and cried as I walked out the door, my 15-minute drive was often marked with tears. The guilt grew. Things got easier, as they always do, because you got used to the routine, but it still was not a routine that I liked. And I still felt guilty and so so sad. And like I was missing out on my one chance to do this with Kalev. Soon, so soon, he’ll be grown, in kindergarten or even going to USC (yes, watching Beth go through this change this year really brought the perspective home for us). So Matt and I started talking. Seriously talking. How can we make this happen? We both wanted it, and it felt so amazing to know I have such a supportive husband. Ya, it took some convincing, but there was one day when he looked me in the eyes over Kalev’s blond little head bent over sorting our flip flops into baskets and said “You need to stay home.” So we made it happen. We downsized (more on that in a different post some day) and we planned. Sometime it was going to happen. We weren’t sure when, but sometime soon.

And then it just came together. Kalev got sick for the first time around 11 months. It was awful. I panicked. I was the opposite of my goal of mindful, patient, at peace mama. I cried when he cried. I was up all night nursing him as his body radiated a heat I could never imagine. It sucked. And in the middle of the night Matt and I looked at each other and said “Ok, it’s time. Time to stay home.” So when I returned to work, I went to tell my friend, my boss. And I was terrified. I shook all day but knew I just had to do it, because then it would be out there and we couldn’t go back (like this blog!). When it was five minutes before we normally left and I entered her office with my eyes big with fright and my body shaking, I tried to think of how to tell her. Well I didn’t have to. She guessed. (After she guessed I was pregnant and she was wrong :-)) As I sat on the chair deflating and telling her how happy I was that she didn’t hate me, she said that she knew this is what I wanted and she wanted me to be happy (and that she’d miss me too). And it is what I want. So incredibly badly. So why, now that there are 24 days left, am I suddenly freaking out?

As I’ve been trying to identify these feelings, I think I realize one of the big culprits. Yes, I don’t like change and this is big big big change, but I think more of this is my unexpected concern over my new identity. Before having Kalev I never thought of being a stay at home mom. I was always on the professional track. And now when people ask what I’m going to do I answer “Just stay at home.” I really hate that “just.” There is so much more to being a stay at home mom than “just” staying at home. I’ve taken classes and read books about it. It’s not only a full time job, it’s an amazing experience for yourself and your child. A priceless experience that no babysitter could ever duplicate and one with a very set expiration date since babies grow up. I know this. So why the qualifier? Why do I then often go on to tell people that I’ll probably look for contract work. Because even if that’s true, partly for financial reasons and partly because I actually realized I like estate planning, it’s not why I am leaving my job and it’s not what I plan to do when I’m home. I plan to recreate my maternity leave bliss. And I can’t wait. So why the lengthy explanations to people? Why don’t I feel that me staying home and raising my son myself is a good enough reason?

Part of it is because of the looks I see in many people’s eyes and the qualifiers they use when they seem surprised that I’m choosing to stay home. It makes me feel defensive. And that I have to explain why this is a good reason. Although isn’t my happiness and my child’s happiness enough?

Do other stay at home moms feel this way? That you have to defend your decision as an acceptable one? That it’s justified? That we don’t sit around drinking coffee and watching Kim Kardashian all day? How do you respond when people say you’re “just” a stay at home mom (or dad)? I want to embrace this new identity, but I hate that there’s this part of me that’s scared about it and feels like I have to defend it. This is a priceless gift I am giving myself and my baby. How do you convey this to other people? Or do you not try?

Mindful Parenting: An Adventure in Being Present & Finding Peace

To prepare for the birth of our child, my husband and I enrolled in a Mindfulness-Based Childbirth Class. I had actually heard about it at a forum I attended for work. The key words that triggered my interest were “baby” and “reduce stress.” As anyone who knows me knows, I am one stressed out person. So I thought it would be a good class to teach me to reduce my stress and therefore be a better parent. It of course taught me way way way more than that, but its message was a whole lot more than that as well. It was all about being mindful during each second, each experience, each day, throughout your pregnancy, during your labor, and as parents. I kept associating mindfulness with being at peace—being less stressed. And for me, I think that is still a good goal. But the goal of the program, or at least the definition of mindfulness that I now understand relating to this class, is to be present at each of these moments and experiences, and to acknowledge them. Acknowledge your feelings, acknowledge that you are or are not being mindful. Well that’s actually a whole lot easier than always being at peace and stress free! I kinda like that definition (and thank you Savanna, for always reminding me when I freak out and say I’m not being mindful about something, that that acknowledgment is indeed being mindful!). But because I do tend towards pessimism and being a cranky pants, and because my main mommy idol Beth is someone who always looks towards the good in situations, my goal is to not only be present as a person and parent, but to try to look for the positive as well. My new mantra I picked up in the last few weeks that I’ve been chanting in my head, and sometimes out loud, as the baby cries in the middle of the night, as I realize how many things I have to do at work, as I have to find a back-up sitter, is “peace and patience.” That’s what I’m working towards. So the definition of mindfulness I will be working on in life, and in this blog, is being present, acknowledging my feelings (good or bad), but striving to think positive, to be at peace, to feel patient, and to remember how truly blessed we are. Hmmm kind of a big goal for 6:33 in the morning when I have a sore throat and my child hasn’t slept well in a week because he had a fever, then a nasty rash as a result of Gianotti-Crosti Syndrome (apparently a disease that a lot of Italian kids get according to google—random!), and Matt has to leave in 15 minutes to take our car to the shop to get the transmission fixed, and so on and so on …. Yes, I’m mindful that I’m really really tired, but as Kalev crawls over to me with a huge smile on his face I’m reminded again of the blessings of being a parent. So ok, time to start this day with a smile. And a cup of tea to soothe my throat :-)