Reframing (and better understanding) My Spirited Child

I just started reading Raising Your Spirited Child (yes, I know, how did this book escape me for so long? Anyways, it has been started. I’m on chapter 6. It’s competing with Nora Robert’s new book  ;-) But it’s already triggered some intense thinking and I’m sure lots more will be in my future). When I came into bed the other night, where Kalev had already been asleep for a few hours, I watched my beautiful sleeping boy for a bit and so much of what I had recently read in this book washed over me. I curled in close and was rewarded by him instinctively turning towards me and wrapping a sleep-laden arm around my neck. He snuggled closer. He smiled in his sleep as he did so. The soft, sweet smile (the one that shows no teeth as opposed to his happy and excited smile that shows all the shiny toothy goodness). Oh god I love this boy. My love came pouring through for this amazing, sweet child. As well as my awareness, and guilt (oy, always so much guilt! Do all parents feel so much guilt?), for the disservice I've been doing him.

This boy doesn't stop moving. When he spins he keeps twirling until he falls to the ground, dizzy but laughing. When he jumps his feet leap high off the ground and he lands with gusto. And when he runs, boy does he run! The excitement and energy just comes spilling out of this kid. But sometimes, when he's struggling to or just can't contain it, it doesn't come out in safe ways. I think these actions spurred from excitement are different than those with their root in anger or frustration. Although we have plenty of challenges with the latter too. I believe they are interconnected, and the definitions blur a bit, but I think the more I try to distinguish them and identify in which category his actions are coming from, the better I will be able to respond to his needs and guide him in finding what method works best for expressing himself safely. I’ve been reading up on this issue too. But that's an entirely different post ;-). Anyways, the level of anxiety that I’ve felt about this energy of his and how it relates to other children has been, and still is, exhausting.

From the little bit of the book I’ve read so far I really think that the way I’ve been dealing with his actions, and the constant anxiety and stress and overanalyzing I’ve done in my head (and out loud) have been setting him up to fail and then blaming him when he does so. And oy, the talking talking talking I do about it all the time drives me crazy. A self-fulfilling prophecy as my friend Megan put it. Why must I bring it up whenever anyone asks how we are doing? Because for the majority of the time we do fine. There are just moments, often times that I can/should anticipate because I do watch and know my son, that he tends to push instead of using words even when it’s not about anger, frustration, or aggression. Or he invades the space of a child that likes their personal bubble. Or he’s too excited while tickling and ends up scratching.  So my current light bulb understanding is: he's 3 and apparently fits Kurcinka’s definition of a spirited child. And while his behavior is not always okay, it's often normal, especially for a spirited child. And can hopefully be better accepted and handled by myself and others by an enhanced understanding of his needs, framed by this spirited child lens. So my goal is to stop the obsessing. Accept that it is a normal phase, one that needs safe limits and boundaries, but to stop the obsession and anxiety that surrounds it. Because when I spend a chunk of the day discussing pushing and the need to calm down etc. instead of just playing with him we both are left with memories of the negative experiences instead of the fun and positive that our day has held.

I think a big part of this shift is reframing the labels, or descriptions, that I, and others, attribute to him. I can definitely thank reading the book for this idea because as soon as I read about doing this, I started trying to incorporate this reframing, in my head when I think over situations, as well as during the situations themselves, and I think it’s made a big difference. To me in how I perceive what’s going on and to him in what he’s hearing. So instead of saying he’s loud or wild or even acting rough or mean, I  try to reframe some of these actions and behaviors as energetic, passionate, enthusiastic, gleeful, invigorated. He needs to hear himself described in this way because it truly is what he’s all about—his love, his zest for life and friends and play is what drives his energy so that he’s racing around, spinning, jumping, tickling with such excited fervor. And he definitely can get carried away. But what a beautiful place it comes from, the love in his heart.

So, step 1: Reframing these labels.

And step 2: Reframing activities (outside, movement, friends).

Even before I picked up the book I had realized that when we went out first thing for a walk the day often turned out better. This kid needs to MOVE. He needs the freedom of the outdoors to run, bike, skip, jump. Once I started reading the book it totally supported this thought. Kurcinka believes spirited children that are high on the intensity and energy scale need activities that allow them to safely expend their energy. Matt has commented on the change, mentioning what a better mood Kalev has been in and how much more controlled, on the whole, his actions are towards Aviella and Matt, even when he’s really excited. Yeah, 6 hours outside will do that for this kid I guess. Unfortunately, 6 hours outside is A LOT for this mama, but I am trying to troop along.

The other key that the book helped me identify is that as an extrovert Kalev gets his energy from people and he needs that connection to people to keep him balanced. So I’ve been actively seeking out social activities for him. And that has helped too. I thought I’d get a break this summer and we could just veg but this boy needs his friends.

Those above two steps are hopefully going to inform me how I view my son, his needs, and his actions. I’m always so quick to assume he’s at fault in a conflict situation when sometimes he is just reacting (albeit poorly) to another child being physical or just negatively verbal to him. Or even when there’s not a conflict but I hear a child crying and immediately assume Kalev had something to do with it (happened at two different play dates this week. Both times the children fell by themselves and Kalev wasn’t even in the vicinity. Oy, the guilt this mama felt when my crazy eyes tried tracking where he was while asking if he had hurt them). And perhaps especially when there is no conflict on the horizon but I can see the excitement bubbling up in my son and I anticipate that it will unleash itself in not the safest of ways. This is part of the definition of spirited as it applies to my son and I want to stop blaming him for these things when really, he is just being what he is. So I need to stand up for my boy. To put some trust that he can control some of that excitement and faith that he will respond and interact in safe ways. And to let him know more often that he is sweet and gentle and loving, not only to his parents, but to his sister and his friends. That he can count on me to help him when he needs it, if it’s help verbalizing his need of space or need to play with friends, ability to move his body without causing harm, or some quiet time to calm down from expending all that energy. I want him to know that it is wonderful, and just so much more alive than I am, to greet each day, and so many events of the day, with such excitement and enthusiasm. To love life this much is amazing. It's a lot for a homebody mama to always take in, and to allow room for, but wow is it something else.

I look forward to continuing this book that so many people have recommended and hope for more tools to use to be mindful of the sweetest loving heart of my boy. I think the biggest issue I still struggle with is when his energy and excitement build up on play dates. Do  parents of spirited children out there have any ideas for ways to help bring the intensity and excitement level down so that he can play safely with his friends? So far the book has just suggested activities like water play, reading a book, etc. So not something I feel I can easily incorporate in the middle of a play date. I’m trying to think of go-to words or activities that I can use when his energy level raises too high and he just needs to step back and calm down before continuing to play. 

All in all I think we are making progress, the both of us. I started writing this post over two weeks ago (can you tell my time at the computer is rare?!) and I think things have definitely already shifted. When I remember to slow down and really focus on the positive it sure changes our day :-)

The following are some of my favorite pictures of Kalev from our recent family portraits. I feel they really capture Kalev's energy and excitement, as well as his tenderness.

All photos by the wonderful and very talented Michelle Byars.